Fantasies are erotic cocaine, filling our minds and bodies with sensual euphoria. They’re our chance to escape the familiar and go somewhere exotic. In our fantasies, we can have anyone and do anything without causing harm.

Growing up Christian, there was a recurring theme that warned against the dangers of lust. One afternoon at a bible camp by a northern lake, I remember a pastor telling an audience of modestly dressed followers the story of how his son, who worked in real estate, once found himself in a house with a large picture of a nude woman on the wall. The pastor, with his button-up shirt and side-parted hairstyle, stood before the congregation and told us of how his son had closed his eyes and removed the image from the wall without looking at it. A deep sense of fatherly pride echoed off every word he spoke. Through the denial of his human desires, his son had proven himself pure of mind.

His son knew that by looking at that beautiful woman, a fantasy could have taken root. In the God-fearing family-values dogma, fantasies are shameful; lust is sinful. 

However, when viewed through a different lens, fantasies can be an enriching energy in our lives rather than a point of shame and guilt. In her groundbreaking 1973 book My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies, Nancy Friday asked women to write to her about their fantasies. The book is a collection of the letters she received. If you haven’t read it, I can tell you that the fantasies presented in it are juicy and wildly “debased.”

Friday’s book challenged the stereotype of the time that women were less sexual, and it also normalized fantasizing as part of sexuality, helping women realize that there wasn’t anything wrong with them for doing so. Although her book focuses on women, I believe the concept also applies to men. We all have desires. We all crave novelty, and fantasies are a normal way to ignite your sex life — with yourself and with your partner(s). 

A whole book could be written on why people fantasize about what they do. Some fantasies are sweet and comforting. Some are stimulating simply because they’re taboo. For others, a fantasy might serve to reframe a trauma or bad situation in an empowering way. Some fantasies give people freedom to do what they may not feel free to let themselves do in real life, hence nonconsensual fantasies. 

Peter Acworth, founder and CEO of Kink.com says, “As a child, I had too much power and not enough boundaries. I needed boundaries to feel safe and yearned for that from my mother. As my sexuality developed, this need became part of my sexual fantasy, and indeed I crave a mother-type figure, and forever, I was looking for someone in my mother’s form who would cherish me and protect me by tying me up.” 

We’re the products of our stories and the places our journeys have taken us. We don’t need to judge or fear our fantasies. If it arouses you and makes your sexuality more delicious, enjoy it. 

So no, there’s nothing wrong with you if you get turned on by the idea of fucking someone with a cucumber in front of a stadium of people wearing Victorian era clothing and disapproving scowls, or getting fucked by an alien on a galactic ship, or whatever other wild scenario you may find enticing. The mind is a powerful place. If you fantasize about things that would make your grandmother blush, you’re not alone. If truth were told, what she was thinking about would probably make you blush as well. 

Before my marriage opened, we had a decent sex life. It wasn’t the worst, but neither was it the best. We always relied on a vibrator for me to cum. Three years in a kinky open marriage exploring ourselves and others, and we make me cum every time — no toys needed. I say “we” because it’s both of us. He’s learned some skills, let me tell you. I’ve also learned a lot, including how to unlock the power of my mind. They say the seventh year of a marriage is the hardest, but for us, year seven is 7^th heaven.

From Fantasy to Play

If you’re adventurous and want to take it a step further, you might consider exploring kink, which is a consensual way to bring fantasies out of the imagined and into your bedrooms (or wherever else you might fancy). 

Let’s set aside the many stereotypes and fears that exist about the Kink community and instead look at it through the lens of fantasy. BDSM and other Kinks are simply a way for people to explore their erotic desires in a consensual and safe way.

In their book The New Bottoming Book, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy explore the kink of  Dom/sub dynamics. They write that “S/M is play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality. It combines the child’s urge for make-believe with the adult’s ability to take responsibility and the adult’s privilege of sexual reward. S/M at its best represents a remarkable convergence of civilized agreements and primitive urges. We believe it to be a very high achievement of the human body, mind, and spirit.” 

Kink is not synonymous with a mental disorder. Kinky people are regular people with jobs, hobbies, and families who do all the normal things other people do. We just reject the idea that lust is corrosive and that sex outside of a very narrowly defined “normal” is shameful. Consequently, we are free to explore our desires, and we have a lot of fun doing so. 

~

All this is to say, enjoy your fantasies. They’re a beautiful part of being human that can ignite your erotic charge. Whatever it is that you fantasize about, my friend, I hope that you feel a little less alone in the whole matter after reading this. You’re not strange. You’re human.