I overheard a conversation once that stands out in my memory. The kind where two people are chatting at the water cooler in the office, and you just happen to be standing next to the dusty fake plant outside your boss’s office, waiting for a meeting. You’re not trying, but you can’t help but overhear what ends up being a juicy little snippet of other people’s lives. 

I should mention that this particular black water cooler was located within the musky play space at a San Francisco swinger club. Instead of waiting for a meeting with my boss, I was face down, ass up, with my husband’s fat cock spreading me from my wet lips to my cervix. 

Soft light was contrasted by several bright screens where a variety of porn scenes were adding to the overall debauchery. Hypnotic music pulsated in time to the sucking and smacking both on and off screen.

From my compromised position, I had a front-row view of the watering hole where an assortment of naked bodies converged to rehydrate from cone-shaped cups barely big enough to hold a gulp.  

The conversation between two lean men hooked my attention when the dark-haired one on the right looked to the other with a twinge of anxiety and said: 

“Dude, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m going to be able to fuck your girl tonight, man.” Everything in his tone and body language said that it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. He was apologizing because he simply couldn’t do it. 

This was a case of performance nerves, or to put it another way, SUUDS (sudden unexpected uncooperative dicks syndrome), a term I just coined. I imagine most men can relate, especially those who have ventured into the uncharted territory of group sex. 

The man wanted to fuck the other dude’s girl; she was probably nearby, sprawled out on a mat with a sexy outfit and thighs spread,  but his cock was refusing to play ball — or pussy, as it was in this case. 

~

Perhaps you’re sitting over there thinking, what a dope. My dick is hard as steel every fucking time. I’d get the job done. I’d lay the fucking pipe, Lila — just try me. Let’s you and me get a hotel and I’ll show you just how good I can spread those long legs of yours and leave your sweet little cunt on its proverbial knees begging for more. I’m ready to go, Lila. 

Maybe that’s true; I won’t lie, I kind of want a literal and figurative taste of your steel stallion.  However, I wonder, have you ever fucked in front of a room full of other people? Because, my spunky subscriber, that sounds exactly like something my husband would have said before we started “The Great Year of Fucking” or as others know it, 2023. 

As refreshing as it is to experience the freedom and sex positivity of group play, it doesn’t come without its share of awkward — sometimes stress-inducing — experiences. 

~

Back to the watering hole… 

“It’s just, this is our first time here. And — it’s a lot.”

“It’s okay, dude. I get it.” 

At this point, I just wanted to get up and give poor Mr. Nerves a warm, naked hug and tell him that there was nothing wrong with him or his cock, which I’m sure is perfectly delightful.

I didn’t have the chance to tell him (given what was happening to me),  but I hope he figured it out if he ever came back to another sex club.  He was a man experiencing normal anxious human feelings (and their subsequent physical reactions) — feelings I’ve seen play out many a time in my adventures in nontraditional erotic spaces. 

A Flopping Swapping 

The first time my husband and I met another couple for a night of adult play, my husband learned quickly just how frustrating SUUDS can be. We met at the couple’s small house in the hills. We sat down in their living room, each person next to their partner, and chatted briefly. Then, they invited us into the bedroom where they promptly got naked and were ready to fuck — no foreplay, no sensual lighting, no music, no preamble, just boom, let’s fuck. 

The man sat on the bed hard, and my husband spent the whole 2+ hour ordeal basically unable to perform. I got fucked, and the man’s wife waited for the BBC I’m sure she was thirsting after. She never got it. They were nice about it, but we never went back. It’s a funny story now, but it’s not a moment either of us needs to relive. 

Puncturing Eyes

This one time, I was standing in the kitchen at an Airbnb turned fuck party. The strappy lingerie I was wearing wasn’t for modesty, and my eyes had an ample amount of come-fuck-me makeup. Across the room from me was a Dom I’d been intimate with before. He was naked, save for black dress socks that crept up past his ankles. 

His tall body rested against the counter while a nearly-naked blonde knelt on the hard kitchen tile and sucked his big, erect cock. The look on his face was that of a man living his best life. 

I made eye contact with him and threw him a pair of my perfectly crafted bedroom eyes. The look fell flat for the first time in my life. Instead of the lusty smile I had imagined he would throw back my way, his cock deflated like a balloon popped by a shiny nail. I watched as he looked down at his uncooperative piece of flaccid meat and cursed under his breath. 

I suppose I’ll never know why. Perhaps I simply distracted his focus. Maybe he worried that I was jealous. Whatever it was, the frustration on his face was palpable. I walked away to remove whatever cock deflating poison my eyes held from the situation.

Thirst and Nerves

It was past 2 AM on a cruise. The whole bachelorette party had already turned in, except for me and the bride’s sister, both of us many drinks deep. After twerking in the club and a late-night skinny-dipping party in the hot tub, the sister of the bride and I found ourselves in the cabin of a honeymooning couple, along with two wide-eyed early twenty-something men who had no idea how they had ended up in an orgie in the middle of the night. 

Three things were clear. One: the two single men had never had as much as a threesome. Two: they were both nervous to the point of being nearly awkward — but three: they were absolutely unable to peel their eyes off the three of us girls who had already gotten naked on the bed. 

Since I’m a devilish tease, I quite enjoyed watching their discomfort and desire, and since I was rather drunk and high on freedom, I fucked everyone in the room. ??May the bride never know I ate out her sister on her bachelorette cruise. 

Despite the hotness of the moment, one of the single men lost his erection within a minute of getting inside me. He blamed it on the condom. That may have been true, but I suspect, at least in part, it was the unfamiliar pressure of multiple eyes watching. 

~

If you decide to venture into nontraditional sexual experiences, just know that there will be awkward moments. Don’t stress them; they’re a normal part of the process. They help you learn what doesn’t work for you, which brings you closer to what does. And if nothing else, you’ll have great stories to tell after the initial embarrassment fades.