Communication

The Same Team Rule

My partner and I have this as our main rule. It’s simple yet powerful. We always keep in mind that we are on the same team. We let that idea be the guiding force for how we interact with each other, how we talk to each other, and how we resolve conflict.

If you’re on the same team, then you either win or lose together. As such, trying to “win” an argument is bad for the team.  Saying hurtful things out of anger or frustration is bad for the team. Phrases such as, “I hate you,” or “You’re an idiot” or “God, sometimes you can be so dense!” — they’re all bad for the team. Let your love for your partner and the desire to win as a team guide you.

The TED talk “Even Healthy Couples Fight — The Difference is How” has some great tools for developing this skill.

Letter Writing

When conflict or disagreement does arise, writing a letter is a useful tool to keep in mind as a possible strategy. The book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy talks about this idea. 

Writing a letter has several benefits. It allows you to articulate your thoughts and feelings clearly and carefully. The act of writing allows you to sort through your feelings and perhaps understand them better during the process. 

Easton and Hardy recommend that after you write the letter, you hold onto it for a bit. When you’re ready, revisit it, and you may find that you want to make changes to the letter. Perhaps you’ll notice places where you let your feelings lead you to attack your partner or say things that aren’t necessary or constructive. Revising the letter allows you to say exactly what you want and keeps you from saying things you might regret later. 

You can choose to give the letter to your partner, or you may decide you don’t even need to after all; in this case, the benefit lies in the therapy of writing it. If you do have a conversation about the topic later, you will have already sorted through and come to a better understanding of your feelings, leading to a more constructive conversation.

Be Willing To Look Within

It’s common to state, “You did this, and that makes me feel… X, Y, Z.” Although this isn’t inaccurate, going deeper can be helpful.  Sometimes the question needs to be, “Why do I feel this? What inside of me is being triggered by what my partner did or said?” 

Not too long ago, my partner and I went through a challenging time. However, as we worked through the situation and dug deeper into the issue, I realized that a lot of my reactions stemmed from a deeper place, from an old wound I hadn’t healed. 

If you can be willing to recognize your own baggage and work on the things inside of you that are getting triggered, over time, you will grow and heal and can relate to your partner in a less reactive way. 

The book “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer is a great resource if you feel that you’re easily triggered by events in your life. It helped me release some baggage, and I can’t recommend it enough. 

Yes / No Maybe List

Have you ever done a Yes, No, Maybe list? Dr. Emily Morse has this great resource on her website. It’s a fun way to start a conversation about all things sexual. It’s a checklist with an extensive list of possible sexual acts.

You and your partner fill the list out separately and then compare notes to see where your interests align. You might be surprised by what you find out.

When my husband and I first did this activity, we each checked “maybe” for a threesome and were both mutually a little surprised. It got us talking more, and we went on to have many experiences.